Saturday, December 14, 2013

There was one missing

                          I bought six new stockings online this year.  I only needed four, but I figured I'd put the other two away (just in case).  Stockings can be expensive, and I really liked these ones.  We don't have a fireplace or a mantle so I had to find a spot to hang them.  I tried hanging them on the new dining room wall...on the kitchen wall..on the living room wall..but I couldn't find the perfect spot.  They just didn't look right anywhere I hung them.

                           Mikey and I decided we weren't going to exchange gifts this year.  But..he didn't say anything about gifts from the twins! So, I started working on a little something with Eli & Ezra for Daddy.  I had Mikey stamp his hand prints in white paint on a black piece of paper.  I later stamped a hand of each of the boys on top of his in their & blue.  I put it in a frame and began to write something on the frame, but, I hesitated. "Daddy & his Boys" is what I was going to write.  It just didn't seem right.  Of course they are his boys, but not "all" of of his boys.  There was a hand print that just couldn't be stamped on that paper.  I wrote (Eli ~ Daddy ~ Ezra..2013) wrapped it and put it under the tree.

                          I pulled into the driveway, it was snowing.  I had the Holiday Station on XM.  The Christmas version of Canon in D came on.  The twins were asleep in the back..I knew this because I could see their sweet little sleeping faces through the mirrors.  They were perfect, all snuggled up with their crocheted Santa hats on that Nana had made them.  I began to think of our wedding day.  I walked down the isle to Canon in D.  It was something I had dreamed of for a long time.  What a beautiful day our wedding was.  It was a simpler time.  A time I thought I knew what pain was..a time I had dreams, dreams of a family and how happy we would be.  I had no idea then what the future had in store for us.  The little children singing on the radio sounded like angels.  They sang of Christmas Magic. I couldn't wait to see that special magic in my children's eyes.  Of course the twins were only 6 months old. They didn't even look at Santa when I took them to get their picture taken with him a couple weeks ago.  Each on Santa's knees..of course Eli on the left and Ezra on the right.  I looked up at the mirror to make sure the twins were still sleeping...I wonder if the neighbors will think it strange that I'm sitting here in the driveway. I could barely see them! The mirror almost seemed distorted.  I blinked my eyes and tears began to stream down my cheeks.  I am supposed to be happy...aren't I?  This was an exciting time..The twin's 1st Christmas!  It will be great...we will make it great.  They will have that Christmas magic!!  Ezra woke up and started to cry.  The song was over.  I wiped my face and turned off the car.

                                I had my Mom embroider the stockings.  I figured that was the problem.  They just didn't look right because there were no names on them.  I finally hung them in the front hallway on the wall ledge. (Dad    Mom    Eli    Ezra)  I moved them multiple times trying to space them out evenly.  I thought about going to get Mikey's measuring tape.  That's what he would do.  He would measure and place them perfectly.  No matter how many times I moved them, they never seemed right.   And then it hit me.  I stared at the space between my stocking and Eli's.  I stared at that space like it were haunted.  A huge gaping space that really was no bigger than five inches.  I counted from left to right over and over again.  1 2 3 4...1 2 3 4...1 2 3 4.  As if I had some issue with the number.  I stared at that space again.  And I told myself those stockings would never look right to ME no matter where I put matter how evenly I placed them.  Because after all, there was one missing.  Aidan's.